Lately my interest in the wrestling has been captivated by the rise of Drew McIntyre. He's a 6"6, 250lb furious Scotsman with long golden hair, a violent temper and exaggerated Scottish accent. I'm infatuated with him (and by him i'm talking about the wrestling persona and character of Drew and not his real life counterpart Drew Galloway, just to clear that up), when his ponytail gets messed up in a fight I keep my fingers crossed that its going to unravel completely and he transforms into a majestic early 90s shred guitarist, or sometimes I chant "Sebastian Bach!" at the screen. The attraction here lies in the hypothetical idea of dating a man like Drew, I get the sense he knows how to treat a lady and more importantly here, he knows how to handle things when there's a problem.He'd be a gentleman for sure, open car doors, pull out my chair for me, perhaps he'd even delicately swipe some out of place strands of hair out of my face and cup my tiny face into his giant hand, like a beautiful gentle giant. Without a doubt he'd treat me like a lady at all times but the real excitement would come in the contrast of that furious temper and the knowledge that underneath his ill fitting button down shirt is a maniacal powerhouse just waiting for someone to get in his way so he can beat the shit out of them. That's hot.
First off, watch this video, or don't even watch it just press play and listen to the voice:
OK now practice your Drew McIntyre impression so that when you read the next parts in quotations you can say them aloud in an strong angry Scottish man's voice, if it helps then think of Braveheart (which I've never ever seen and plan to never ever bother seeing), but don't think of Ewan McGreggor, he's too nice, or Desmond from Lost, also too nice, man I LOVE DESMOND.
So, picture the scene, Drew picks me up and whisks me away to Pizza Express, on the way he might have a few moments of mild road rage "put your indicator on you bloody fool!" or "ach, c'mon! there's three lanes here man, can you keep to your own for pity's sake", that kind of thing, which each time would make my heart skip a beat. He'd park up with some masterful driving skills (I imagine he drives some kind of large flashy car, but I don't know anything much about cars to try and name one for you to imagine) and he'd run round and open my door and give me his hand to help me gracefully exit the vehicle (i'm bound to be wearing heels). I'd wait by the car whilst he goes to put some money in the parking meter and perhaps a group of lads walk by and make a comment on my outfit (obviously i'd be looking super cute for my date with Drew McIntyre, so might attract some undesired attention), the group of lads would walk on but maybe one persistent guy straggles behind trying to chat me up, i'd be looking down nervously and slightly embarrassed by the stranger's advances when out of nowhere protective Drew would appear and deal with the situation: "Is there a problem here pal?" the stranger would look in terror as 18 stone of pure muscle says "The lady is with me", stranger runs away to his gang of bachelors in the distance and I take hold of Drew's huge arm and gaze up at his rugged jaw as I steady myself from the swooning. We arrive at Pizza Express "I have a reservation, the name's McIntyre" but there seems to have been a mix up with the booking... "Are you trying to make me look like a fool here pal? this is an outrage!!" maybe i'd try to calm him down, but I imagine i'd know my place in this relationship and not talk back to my man, if I try and tell him not to get worked up it'll only fall on deaf ears, that kind of thing. The restaurant manager is called down to find Drew pacing the floor, anxiously running his hand through his long flowing hair (he's worn it down for me, just the way I like it), manager apologises for the mistake and leads us to a quiet table at the back of the restaurant. We share some pleasant table chatter, Drew would compliment me on my radiant complexion, soft hair and elegant outfit, I would compliment him on his latest wrestling glory, snazzy necktie and superior intelligence , the drinks and dough balls would arrive and everything would be going swimmingly, until .... I take a sip of my beverage and quietly say I don't think they're given me a diet coke, but I don't want to cause any trouble, it doesn't matter, but as the pizza's arrive Drew glares at the teenage waiter "The lady asked for a DIET COLA, and what you've given her here is a REGULAR COLA" I nod sympatheically whilst the veins on Drews neck start to protrude and his fists begin to clench. I squeeze his rock like hand and smile sweetly as the tension disperses, trying my best to keep him calm whilst simultaneously excited by his growing rage. All is calm once more until horror upon horror I find a stray chunk of ham nestled in amongst my Giardiniera , I look shocked, Drew stands up raising the offending ham impaled on my fork above his head "WHAT IS THIS?? The lady is a Vegetarian and she clearly ordered a VEGETARIAN pizza which she did not expect to find garnished with HAM" apologetic staff pander to Drews outbursts "Apologise to the lady!" he starts undoing his cufflinks and rolling up his sleeves, but the promise of a free dessert simmers him back down. By this point my date is tense, his shoulders are hunched and he smiles weakly but is clearly irritated by the imbecile staff of this particular pizza establishment, his large frame sits awkwardly in his seat whilst he listens to my stories about customers at the sweet shop or my thoughts on the guitar playing techniques of Michael Angelo Batio, but I can tell he is on edge. My ice cream sundae arrives along with his coffee, just a few seconds pass and Drew looks downs disgusted at the cup in front of him "I ASKED FOR A BLACK COFFEE YOU BASTARDS!!!" as he flips the heavy marble topped table on its side sending ice cream, cutlery and diet cola flying across the room (mirrored by an explosion in my heart) onto bewildered patrons and horrified serving staff (he was of course especially careful to flip all of this away from me so I don't get a splash on me) stunned by the events, I pick my handbag off the floor and sit motionless in my seat, he reaches a strong arm out to me to check i'm OK, I nod and he holds out my coat carefully helping me put it on as the restaurant watches in stunned silence "are you alright sweetheart? let's go" I look down at the mess on the floor and go to take a tentative step into the debris when Drew sweeps me up into his arms and carries me over to the doorway, an elderly woman clutches her napkin to her mouth as she looks up at him in fear "The party's over" he sneers at her.
Back in the calm surroundings of his car Drew rests his head between his hands on the steering wheel "I'm so sorry Bunny, I just wanted everything to be perfect" he sobs.
*sigh*
I went with the unsatisfactory restaurant service situation rather than continuing the possessive boyfriend "the lady is with me" route or the encounter in the cinema where the idiots talking in front of us ruin my enjoyment of the film "The lady is trying to watch a movie here pal", or the scenario where confused Topshop employees have somehow misplaced a pair of shoes that I had ordered previously "The lady ordered a pair of shoes from you idiots and they should have been put on hold for her since last week" "you make me sick" because all of those just ended up in a violent beatdown.
In case you are wondering what kind of beatdown, please enjoy this quality wrestling segment from the dubbleyudubbleyuee. R-truth's street talk is simply incredible, as is the expression "i'll be all over him like a monkey on a cupcake" I'm sure i'm not the only one relieved when Drew elbows him in the neck. Also the bit at the end, officials-"get back" drew-"i'm back, i'm back", that's my Drew.
I realise my fantasy vision of life with Drew is basically just an aspiration to date a buff guy with anger management issues, but wouldn't it be nice to have some big angry Scottish guy there to deal with some of the troubles in the world for you?
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for more on Drew (Galloway this time), I highly recommend looking at the pictures on his personal MYSPACE account
